Mourning the death of a loved one is a process and the process is different for everyone. The way a friend or family member faces their loss will be unique to their personality, temperament and the closeness they felt to the person who has died. Therefore, when supporting someone who is mourning consider where this person is in their grieving process. Grieving follows a discernible pattern as described by Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in her book on death and dying. An awareness of these stages of grief will help you understand the process and know who to assist the person to whom you are offering your support.
DENIAL
When we lose someone we love the first thing we feel is shock and denial. You may find that the person you are trying to help doesn't even seem to be in pain. Chances are they are operating on adrenelin and the reality hasn't quite set in. At this point they probably won't want much from you, even if you offer. Be there anyway and avoid allowing your feelings to be hurt if they act self-sufficient and turn you away. This phase won't last.
GUILT
The next stage of grief is usually guilt. Your friend may be feeling that they could have done more to help their loved one or may think only of the ways they could have done things differently. To support your grieving friend or family member at this stage, offer reassurance. They may be reluctant to accept your words but offer them anyway. They will store them in the back of their mind and it will help them work through this stage. Tell them they did the best they could do and you are certain their loved one feels the same way.
ANGER
Anger follows guilt. As a person travels through the stages of grief and mourning they often pass through a very angry stage. They wonder why me? Why did this have to happen? Why do they have to suffer such a devastating loss? They are angry with God and everyone else. Here too, offer comfort and reassurance when you can. Stay with them through the process but try not to control it. Remember, they will travel the mourning process at their own pace. You can not hurry it or take it away from them, as much as you may like to.
DEPRESSION
Anger is followed by an acute sense of loneliness and depression. For many this is the most painful stage, but with support and encouragement, it can be passed through. Keep an eye on your friend at this time. Offer companionship, support, distraction and seek medical attention if necessary. Depression can last several months but if it is too acute or lasts too long, it is wise to seek medical support. Anti-depressants may be helpful at this time but don't rush to medicate unless the depression is unrelenting.
ACCEPTANCE
As the depression begins to lift, the person mourning a loved one will begin actively working through the grief and reconstructing their lives without the person they lost being central to every thought and activity. They still need your support and friendship.
When a person is mourning, there is little that you can do besides be with them and help them as they travel through the stages. They may go back and forth between them. Just when you think they're moving on the next stage, you find they are back one. Some people will get stuck in a particular stage. If that is the case therapy may be helpful. Support them by giving them time and not losing patience. Do what you can for them but encourage them to resume normal activities as soon as possible. Talk when they want to talk, be silent when they want to be silent. Offer suggestions, provide concrete activities and assistance, but do not expect them to always follow your agenda.
Grief lessens with time but can take up to two years if the loss is significant.
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