Telling the truth, particularly in difficult situations, is a huge challenge for many people. There are as many reasons for telling a lie as there are people in the world and the situations they encounter. In addition, a lie can be what we like to refer to as "a white lie" one that is used to spare someone's feelings and is believed to do no real damage or it can be a lie that is self serving, hurtful and destructive to the relationship or to the persons involved. The "white lie" like the one you tell your friend when you really don't want to watch her children is the one used most often.
WHITE LIES
The main reason we tell "white lies" is because we are not comfortable taking responsibility for our feelings and desires. It is easier to tell our children that we can't afford to take them to a fast food restaurant for lunch than to deal with the hassles of trying to get them to understand that it isn't good for their health. A "white lie" is often used to simplify life for ourselves even if we think we are sparing our friend's feelings. Learning to be assertive and comfortable with our own decisions and choices can go a long way toward eliminating the need to tell any size lie.
ASSERTIVENESS
We are all entitled to do, not do, believe, not believe anything we like. It is our right as individuals to be who we are. We can learn to be tactful but we can also learn that honesty is, in fact, the best policy. Honesty, however, does not mean we have to tell every detail. Good friends will spare their friend's feelings but they will also not lie. For example, if a friend or relative calls you on the phone and you don't feel like talking for whatever reason, it is okay to say, "I know you'd like to talk. I want to talk to you too, but now is not a good time. When can I call you back?" This response is much more loving and affirming of your own needs than saying (if it's not true) "I'm on the way out the door, Johnny is waiting for me, I'll call you later." We don't have to explain why it is not a good time if we are not comfortable doing so. By being assertive we are acknowledging our own needs as well as the needs of the other person and finding a way to meet both.
It can be scary to begin to take responsibility in this way but the more we do it the easier it becomes. We tell lies because we are insecure or afraid of rejection or because we don't want to alienate the person we are lying to. And yet telling a lie, even a small one, can have the very same results. Learning to be assertive can decrease our stress level significantly. There are many assertiveness training programs available both on line and off. You can find more information and evaluative tools on this site: www.mentalhealth.net.
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